So, keeping up with this thing on weekly basis was a lot harder than I thought it would be initially. Once I started the second semester in January, the school work got a lot more complicated and I'll go into further detail about that later on, but suffice it to say, it was rough! I'm going to get real with all of you and honestly show you a side of me that I tried to hide in the late hours of the night.
In my reflection on the first semester away from home, I honestly believe that I began to suffer from depression on some level. Right from the start, it was extremely difficult to get into a good schedule and routine of study habits and delving into my usual scholarly drive and attitude. I honestly think that Hurricane Irma had a lot to do with my lack of routine in studying as the school had to close for the hurricane about a week or two into the new school year. I did try out and make the cheer team which for me was a huge blessing as it forced me to leave my shell that I was hiding in and make friends plus we all got to work out together which was such a bonus to have friends to work out with.
I still wasn't into much of a study groove halfway through the semester which anyone who has known me well enough for a while knows that isn't normal. Still thrown off from the hurricane, I was also really missing home and family. 99% of what I have known my whole life was still in Nevada with the people I love most in the world. I honestly wasn't sure, due to problems with financial aid clearing, if I would even be able to go to Embry Riddle until I got off the plane in Atlanta and had an email stating that it had all cleared. Needless to say, I was not mentally ready to be away from home, on the other side of the country, alone. I had just graduated high school and wasn't too excited at the fact of being away from my parents' loving care and my sister's boundless affection and attention. With all this being said, I went into a mental state where when I wasn't in class, I was finding any excuse I could to be off campus, back at my aunt's house, crying in my bed. (Yes, I know, surprise, Jordan actually does cry 😂). These sad emotional displays plus my thrown off study patterns caused many problems academically because I had next to no motivation (again, the total opposite of myself, it was shaking). All I wanted to be home and to be held and loved by my Mom, Dad, and sister. It was all I could do to make it through the day.
Finally, it was time to get home to Nevada and be with my family. We had a joyous tear-filled reunion in the St. Louis airport followed by days of fun in the December cold of Missouri with My pappy and Patti exploring places like the St. Louis arch and surrounding areas. After the party in Missouri, we drove halfway across the country back to Nevada. While in Kansas I got the worst email I have gotten to date. It was a letter notifying me that I had been placed on academic probation due my poor academics last year, I'm sorry what?! Until about halfway through my Sophomore year of high school, I was an A+ student. Then I became an A/ B student. I have always been able to learn next to anything instantly and due to my struggles with being a first-time adult, I was now, in my mind, a complete failure and disappointment. This did quite a number on my self-esteem and confidence. Due to NCAA policies, I could no longer actively cheer at basketball games for the school. I spent all of my time studying trying to make it up and prove to myself that I am still the intelligent human person with a fun loving personality that I have always been. I lost even more sleep than I did my first semester and even began to sacrifice my diet, making whatever was quickest (if I made anything at all, almost starving myself) so that I could spend more time studying and less time eating. My mental state deteriorated even more and I truly lost myself and became a shell of my former happy and sassy self. Most days, it was all I could do to get out of bed I was all but killing myself trying to prove something.
In the end, the only thing I proved was that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is worth losing yourself over, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Now don't get me wrong, there were many amazing things about this last year that I clung too because those good memories were the only thing that kept me going, I've adopted a new mindset and motto for myself, When there's a lot at risk, there's a lot to fight for and losing your dreams over lack of confidence and a desire for reliving the good ol days. Go out and make new memories and make your dreams a reality.
"Failure is not an option!" - Gene Kranz
